how to talk to your parents about sex
by Lauren Obregón, M.Ed., sex educator, parent
There are lots of articles and videos along the lines of “How to Talk to Your Child/Teen/Young Person About Sex”, geared toward parents and caregivers.
The reality, however, is that there are some things that you, as the children/teens/young adults, can do to make the conversations about sex feel helpful and safe for everyone involved.
Here are some of the top tips I share with my students:
TIP 1: Maybe…don’t?(!)
This may seem like a strange tip to come from a sex educator, however it’s an important one. For some folx, the best thing to do for them to feel safe and cared for is *not* to talk to their parents about sex. Now, I absolutely believe that all young people should have a trusted adult with whom to talk about sex, sexuality, life, etc. For some people, however, their parents may not be the best or safest people with whom to discuss these topics. If you feel like this is the case for you, it is critical that you identify someone in your life with whom you can talk: It could be a family member, a community member, a teacher, an OkaySo expert, whoever you trust and feel can give you safe and helpful advice. So, for the purpose of this article, you can absolutely substitute the term “trusted adult” for “parent” from here on out.
TIP 2: Give them a heads up
Talking about sex and sexuality may not come easy to the trusted adult/parent in this situation, and they may have their own biases, trauma, or negative experiences that stop them from being able to speak about these topics on a moment’s notice. Help them be ready to hear you and answer thoughtfully and truthfully by giving them a heads up. Whether it be a quick text, a passing comment, or something you just put directly onto the shared family Google Calendar, everyone will feel more calm and ready to talk with a little heads up.
TIP 3: Get them talking!
Remember: Adults can feel just as awkward or nervous about having conversations about sex. If you’re looking for a place to start, ask them about their lives when they were your age. What were they into when they were your age? What did they do with their friends in their free time? What did they talk about with their friends? This will get them talking about something (potentially) easier, and may even result in them having more empathy toward you and folx your age.
TIP 4: Find a communication style
“Talking” about sex and sexuality doesn’t mean you have to be at the kitchen table, making direct eye contact and having a verbal discussion. There’s so many ways you could have these conversations! Feel more comfortable texting, or maybe writing? Great! Are you watching a TV show or movie together, and there’s a character going through something you have questions about for your own life? This is a perfect way to “ask for a friend”, while really gaining some answers you’re looking for. My personal favorite place and time to have these conversations? The car! You’re both there, you’re not going anywhere, and you don’t need to make any eye contact. Worst case, one of you can always just turn up the radio to end the conversation.
TIP 5: Set some boundaries
Boundaries are critical for everyone to feel safe and cared for during conversations that may feel uncomfortable or even scary. Before you start to have conversations about sex or sexuality, have a conversation about how to disengage with a topic if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Maybe something like, “Sometimes I’m not feeling ready to talk about something, and I really just need a break. Can I tell you that in the moment and then we can come back to it?” Or, “Let’s just say, ‘Spinach,’ when one of us is overloaded, doesn’t have an answer ready, or needs a minute.” Setting personal boundaries is so important, and will play a big role in so many relationships and situations you find yourself in. So, start flexing that boundary-creating muscle now!
TIP 6: Remember your resources!
There are lots of great sources for information out there, whether it be Scarleteen.com, Amaze.org, Planned Parenthood, a local community group geared toward clear and unbiased sexual health and education, or, of course: OkaySo.org.
Remember, there are multiple teams of experts ready to answer your questions anonymously and safely on the OkaySo app.
Keep reading:
How do I have sex/ what is sex?
How do I know if I am ready to have sex