how to help a friend or partner who is hurting
By Lisa Pepera (She/They) LPCC-S, M.Ed
Mental health matters. You matter.
The stigma of mental health is real, and we’re ready to squash it. As young people begin to talk more about their mental well-being with friends and family, the stigma begins to fade.
According to the National Institute of Health, adolescents have the highest and most startling prevalence of mental illness at about 49.5% and young adults have the next highest prevalence of mental illness (at about 30%).
An increase in prevalence is seen for those who are marginalized because of things like race, sex, gender, religion and/or neurodiversity. More importantly, less than half of those experiencing mental illness receive treatment for it, likely due to things like stigma and access to care.
Here are 5 things you need to know when helping a friend:
1. LISTEN and don’t give up. If you do nothing more than listen and let your friend express themselves, that alone can be very helpful for them. Let your friend or partner take the lead during the conversation. This can feel really validating for them. There is no quick fix for things like depression and anxiety so be there for the process. You might feel like you have to have a solution ready for your friend or partner and that is unrealistic. Offering support over time with small gestures like checking in add up and make a true impact.
2. ASK how you can help, and ASK if they’re considering suicide. Don’t make promises you cannot keep. Ask your friend or partner what they need. It might be something you can offer, but you won’t know what it is unless you ask them. When we ask about suicide, it lets your friend know that you are not afraid of their answer, and invites them to talk about it. If there are thoughts and plans of suicide, you might want to engage with a mental health crisis line so they can assess what the next best step is to get appropriate support.
3. TAKE CARE of yourself too. Know that you are a part of your friends support system, like they are a part of yours. Your friend’s or partner’s mental health is not your responsibility to maintain. You might need to set boundaries for yourself so that you don’t become overwhelmed with care giving duties. Check in with yourself and your own mood, and do not keep this to yourself. If you care for your friend or partner, then learning that they need help may weigh on you and it may help for you to talk with another friend about how you are feeling.
4. ENCOURAGE them gently. Feeling depressed or anxious can feel really lonely and isolating. Encourage routine and if you are able to, consistently invite them to share space with you in whatever way feels good for you and your friend or partner.
5. REMEMBER that you are not a licensed professional, and your friend doesn’t need you to be one. Take them seriously and know where to find professional help and crisis lines. Offer to look up counselors for your friend or partner. That task can feel very overwhelming for a person who is anxious or depressed. 988 is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (just call or text “988”) in a mental health emergency from anywhere, at any time.
To learn more about the National Institute of Health visit https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/mental-illness
Have a friend you want to support but still feeling nervous and want to talk to someone about it? We’ve got you! Reach out to one of our experts here.
Lisa Pepera is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Co-Founder and Deputy Director of Colors+, an LGBTQ+ Youth Center in Fairview