how do I deal with trust issues in a relationship?
by Elise Schuster, MPH - Co-Founder and Executive Director of OkaySo
This is one of the most common questions we get on OkaySo and it can often be a bit complicated to talk about, because in some ways, every relationship is different. So, if you get to the end of this post and feel like you still need support, that’s great! Our experts are here to help you out, just download OkaySo and find the Dating & Relationships team.
So, trust. It’s probably the most important part of a relationship. Without it, almost nothing else works well. When trust issues are happening it’s usually for one of two reasons:
First, one person has given the other person a reason not to trust them. Maybe they’ve cheated before, or lied about something, maybe something else. But there is a clear moment when something happened that broke the trust that was there before and now it’s about getting that trust back.
If this is the situation you’re in, it’s important to know that both people in the relationship have to want to work on things to rebuild trust. If the person who broke the trust really owns what they did but the other person wants to stay mad, it won’t work. Or, if the person who broke trust wants to say it wasn’t a big deal, it also won’t work. So that’s the first thing.
So let’s say you both want to work on it. How do you do that, exactly? Each person has things they need to do:
The person who broke the trust needs to:
Be honest about what happened and find a way to atone for it
Sit with whatever emotions the other person has without acting like those emotions aren’t ok
Change your behavior and stop doing the thing that broke trust
Apologize in a sincere way and promise not to repeat the behavior
The person whose trust was broken needs to:
Express your feelings but try not to accuse - instead use “I” statements: “I feel deeply hurt”, for example
Try not to talk about it over and over and over with your partner. Chances are it won’t actually help you feel better, it will just make the hurt more permanent
Work towards forgiving your partner. If they are truly remorseful, then holding on to anger is really just holding on for you, not for them
Is any of this easy? Nope. No it is not. That’s why it takes work. But it is possible.
Now, on to the second reason: there is no specific behavior happening, but one or both people find it really hard to believe that the other person really wants to be with them and isn’t cheating or about to leave.
So, what is happening here? Usually one of two things (your situation may vary).
One possibility is that the person who is having trouble trusting is not receiving love in the way they need it. Maybe they really need to be in contact frequently but the other person struggles with doing that. Or maybe they need physical affection but their partner doesn’t initiate that frequently. Often we express love the way we like to be loved, not the way our partner likes to be loved. And when we feel unloved, it can be easy to assume that the reason is because our partner is looking elsewhere.
In these situations, it’s helpful to talk together about the ways you like to have love expressed and each of you work to express love in the way your partner needs and see if that helps.
It’s also very possible that it’s hard to trust in someone’s love because it’s hard to believe anyone could love us. This often happens when we receive messages as a kid or from previous partners that we are unlovable. It might be something like a parent saying to us “I don’t know how you’re ever going to find a boyfriend when you look like that” or a previous partner saying “you’re lucky you’re with me because no one else will want you”.
If we hear messages like that often enough, we can start to believe them, without even realizing that we’re believing a lie. Then, when we do find someone who loves us, we don’t trust that love at all, because we’ve been told it’s impossible for us.
Now this, this is deep work. This is probably therapy work… this is digging into our past and finding that little voice that tells us we’re not good enough and figuring out how to get it to shut up. Or at the very least, how to ignore it. It takes time, but again. It. Is. Possible.
Whatever is happening for you, if both people are willing to work on it, change is possible.
We really just scratched the surface here. (Can you believe it? In this long post?) So don’t forget that our experts are here to chat. Free, anonymous, no judgment, just support. You can download OkaySo on the app store here and on the google play store here.
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