how do i ask my partner about whether they have any STIs?
by Elise Schuster, MPH - Co-Founder and Executive Director of OkaySo
Gold stars! Communicating with your partner about sexually transmitted infections (STIs) before you begin to have sex is something to be rewarded. Not only will it protect your and your partners’ well-being, but it can also increase trust and pleasure.
But, it doesn’t always feel pleasurable when it comes down to actually having the conversation – it’s okay to feel anxious. Many people feel that they have the right to know their partners’ STI status, even if they plan to engage in safer sex. However, having an STI can make it difficult to tell others.
Start the conversation yourself – this may be helpful to your partner if they have an STI and weren’t sure how to bring it up.
Communication Tips
If you feel nervous, you’re not alone! Your partner probably feels the same way.
Use “I” Statements: state your feelings using “I” rather than “you,” because all people have a right to their own feelings.
Be straightforward. State clearly what you need to know.
Incorporate positive language. For example: “I wanted to have this chat because I really care about you.”
Allow a real conversation to happen. Try to understand them, validate their feelings, use positive body language, and ask them questions to clarify what they are saying.
Make eye contact! It will help you convey your message in a direct and firm way.
If possible, wait for a moment when you are relaxed and have few distractions. Avoid talking right before or right after sex.
Work with your partners to find solutions to any issues that may come up. For example, if your partner has not been tested, offer to help them find a free clinic or to go together! What if your partners don’t want to get tested? For some helpful conversation tips, click here.
Things to Avoid
Avoid language that might be seen as an accusation that your partner has an STI.
Avoid indirect or unclear language and euphemisms. For example: “Are you clean,” or “Do you have any things that I should know about?” What does that mean?
It is great to be direct, but avoid being too judgmental, aggressive, or controlling.
Avoid making assumptions about your partners’ sexual experiences or health statuses.
Be aware that many STIs have no symptoms, so your partner may not know they have an infection even if they do. For this reason, it might be good to get tested together, if you haven’t done so recently.
But how do I actually say it?
Here’s an example of how to begin a conversation – we hope it helps!
You: I really like where our relationship is heading. I value both your and my health, so before we go any further, I just want to ask you if you have any sexually transmitted infections. I was tested three weeks ago and was negative for everything I was tested for. When was the last time you were tested? And were you positive for any STIs or HIV?
To find free or low cost testing go to www.GYTNOW.org
To chat with someone about this, download OkaySo and ask our experts!
Keep reading:
How do I tell my partner I have an STI?
